LIFE'S A GRIND-12

LIFE'S A GRIND-12話

 
Jack Scribe
  
The usual disclaimers apply.  If for some legal reason you shouldn't read 
this...don't.
  
 Comments are appreciated at jack.scribe@gmail.com. 
 __________________________
   
Chapter 12, ORGANIZED UNIONS
 
Reluctance and apprehension gave way to budding confidence after 
Jeremy performed his first weekend with the limited exposure of one solo 
number in the first act. His 'tip dance' down the runway yielded $93.00, 
lots of winks and a few good-natured pats on the butt - and elsewhere. 
He felt that it wasn't bad for his first stroll in front of a frenetic female 
audience. Charlie thought Jeremy did very well as a newbie and said the 
second half of a show usually brought out a looser tipping attitude – 
especially if they liked the guy. 
 
Garin was very pleased at Jeremy's energy and professionalism his first 
time out on the stage. Except for one lighting miss-cue and a few slight 
stumbles on some of the dance moves, the performance was judged a 
success. Especially when the audience "went gaga" - Garin's descriptive – 
with applause and cheering. The final phase-in plan was followed the next 
weekend; Jeremy performing the second act dance and being part of the 
opening and closing chorus numbers.
 
The Thursday afternoon before his first full show schedule as Joe 
College, Jeremy sat by himself in the school library to sort out thoughts 
that had been building in his head over the last month. Leading off the list 
of recent events in his life was being accepted as a freshman at De Paul 
University. At 18, he figuratively had the world by the balls - although this 
past weekend a tenderly tucked twenty-dollar bill had almost reversed 
that order; a lady suddenly became quite possessive of his family jewels 
for a brief moment. A reflex action twisted him loose and he nervously 
grinned while he playfully wagged his finger at the lusting, middle-aged 
woman and he danced away to the next fan. A fading fingernail scratch 
on his inner-thigh was a reminder of his encounter.
 
Jeremy felt a vague and undefined emptiness gnawing at him. A loving 
mother, a supportive sister, an honorary brother, a best friend, several 
close school chums and a work buddy were more than most could 
claim...but something was missing. Added into this was possession of his 
full college scholarship and a job with earnings potential to take care of 
his financial needs. But something felt wrong; a major piece of the puzzle 
in his life seemed to be absent. It was a stirring that had not been present 
until recently. He reviewed all of the changes that had occurred – 
backward and forward - and decided it had started when he joined the 
Studz Barecats.
 
'That's it,' he decided, sudden clarity erupting in his head. 'I've got Charlie 
as a buddy and I want more. Much more.' Jeremy thought back to their 
first meeting. From the beginning, there was an immediate bonding and 
trustful intimacy between the two men that went well beyond an older guy 
helping out a younger friend. But it was different from the mentoring 
relationship he had with Zach. His friendship with Charlie was more of 
two peers helping out each other while one learned the intricacies of his 
new job. Grooming issues aside, Jeremy felt comfortable in Charlie's 
presence. He relied on his buddy for advice when facing a challenge with 
which he wasn't familiar. He relished the comradeship. He reveled in the 
attention lavished. In fact, Jeremy realized he missed Charlie on the days 
they were away from each other. This was not just a crush on another 
guy; it was the start a special relationship that had only one word to 
describe it. However, Jeremy was almost afraid to utter the "L" word.
 
'Shit, he probably thinks of me as a kid...a teenager...who just needs 
protecting. I mean, here is this hot, bright guy in his second year of 
college who can have anyone he wants. Why would Charlie think of me 
as somebody special?' he wondered. Jeremy absentmindedly drew 
circles, squares and the initials "CB" on the legal pad in front of him as he 
considered that night's meeting and shave session. 'And Charlie used to 
date my sister, for Christ's sake,' he thought as he sub-consciously 
reached under the library table and rubbed his aroused crotch area and 
the erection that snaked down his thigh. 
 
*****
 
It had been a demanding Human Relationships psych class. At the 
conclusion of the lecture, the professor gave each student a case study 
and asked that they thoroughly analyze the contents and prepare a 
thousand word evaluation to hand in the following week. Most of the 
students, including Charlie, were business school majors and they 
suffered through this class because it was a required part of the 
curriculum on their journey to a BA and, later, an MBA. 
 
Charlie, later in the day, spent time at the fraternity house and had dinner 
with some of his brothers before returning to his apartment. He decided 
to get in a couple of quality hours of study before Jeremy arrived for their 
weekly session. After changing into sweats, Charlie eased into his favorite 
chair, notepad in hand and attempted to read the chapters pertaining to 
the case studies. Each student was to analyze and interpret the random 
drawings created by the assigned subject. The doodles, in addition to 
assisting dream interpretation and psychological assessment, would allow 
insight and reveal something of the person's mental state.
 
Charlie shifted around as he attempted to focus on the material written by 
Helen Smith*:
 
The Circle: The circle appears in every culture as an archetypal form 
representative of the eternal whole. With no ending or beginning, it 
revolves in an eternal cycle and is linked to the sun disk and the attendant 
concepts of the yearly cycle, the moon, and the wheel. In some symbol 
systems it also represents the universe.
 
The Square: The square represents the formal, mathematical, scientific 
order of the universe. The square represents earthbound matter, and 
correspondingly, with its two sides delineating a two-dimensional surface, 
may symbolize the earth or ground, or a field, especially in eastern 
pictograms. In Buddhist symbolism the relationship of the square within 
the circle represents the relationship of the human and the divine. 
 
His mind and concentration kept drifting after the first couple of 
paragraphs. Every attempt to focus was interrupted by a vision or image 
of his buddy, Jeremy - now professionally re-christened, Jer. For the past 
month this had become a distraction that he kept barely under control 
and the last couple of shaving meetings had been quite difficult to get 
through. Jeremy had picked up on the uneasiness but seemed to have 
accepted Charlie's explanation about difficulties with studies. He closed 
the book and looked down at his notepad; over and over there was a 
series of circles and squares around the margin of the otherwise blank 
page...except for the initials, JS, almost embossed through several layers 
of paper due to the pressure that had been applied.
 
He thought about the reasons for his discomfort in Jeremy's presence. It 
certainly wasn't about modesty. The first time Charlie helped Jeremy with 
shaving dispelled any notion of being ill at ease when either of them was 
without clothing. Further, the act of stroking Jeremy's massive missile 
seemed almost as natural as dealing with himself. It had been a week later 
that he woke up and remembered a dream that included Jeremy's excited 
physical state in his hand...and more. The dream had repeated itself in 
variations over the past month. Only three days earlier a new dimension 
had been added to these nocturnal images. Charlie had abruptly woken 
up in the middle of the night - sheets and blanket pushed to the floor - as 
a series of orgasmic, hot, sticky discharges of semen randomly fired from 
his turgid cock onto his face, chest and stomach.
 
It would be too easy and convenient to dismiss these dreams as just 
lustful thoughts about a gorgeous young man - Charlie had several 
choices of U.S. Prime male companionship. He worked around the 
hottest mix of sexy, liberal guys in Chicago every weekend and some of 
his Phi Delt fraternity brothers were pretty cool about being 
adventuresome in private. Plus, if he wanted someone to take a few fast 
laps around his pole, there were several studs at the Lakeshore Athletic 
Club where he worked out who would accommodate him at the drop of 
a 20-pound weight. 'No. This is definitely more than just being obsessed 
with a physically appealing guy,' he thought. 'Jer is a beautiful person in 
every sense...and a smart fucker, too.' 
 
He reviewed the givens - as he would in any study - and concluded there 
was much more to his attraction. Charlie analyzed what he had 
experienced since first meeting Jeremy two months earlier. He mentally 
listed his friend's attributes. 'Being a hunk is a given. But the real cream is 
his combination of high intelligence, wicked sense of humor, honor and 
trustworthiness. Crap, I might as well throw in the Boy Scout Ten 
Commandments,' he thought with a laugh. 
 
The slight difference in age - two years - did not pose a problem. 'Thank 
God that Jer is now 18,' Charlie considered. Originally, he had thought 
there was something almost lecherous if a seasoned, collegiate 20-year-
old mooned over someone just 17. 'Well, maybe seasoned is pushing 
it...I just left my teen years a few months ago. And he certainly is more 
mature than many of my fraternity brothers.' He slumped further down in 
the chair, stared at the ceiling and considered his analysis. After several 
minutes, a smile spread over his face as he concluded, 'Okay, here's the 
deal, Barnett. You've solidly fallen in love with your buddy - clear and 
simple - period. No infatuation. No curious exploration. No first stab at 
puppy love. Now what are you going to do about it? More important, 
what will Jer's reaction be if I say anything about my feelings? Maybe he's 
got the hots for someone else. Man, that would be a bummer,' he 
thought.
 
While considering his options and possible game plan, Charlie slipped his 
hand under the waistband of his sweats and found his dependable solo 
companion at full alert. It was moments like this that the security of having 
his hand wrapped around his responsive, hard cock was reassuring. 'I've 
got to be clear-headed and definitely not horny tonight,' he decided while 
initiating the first of his well-practiced stroke techniques. After a few 
moments of priming the pump, Charlie raised his butt slightly off the chair 
to lower his sweat pants and free his throbbing penis. Without hesitation, 
he brought his hand to his mouth and spit out as much saliva as he could 
muster while his mind buzzed around the definitions of Dopamine and 
Oxytocin - the natural hormonal love cocktail that he experienced when 
around this wonderful man. But, did Jer feel the same way?
 
*****
 
Jeremy was satisfied that he had got Charlie back into peak condition as 
he put away the razor and turned on the shower. Part of the weekly ritual 
was for both to take a shower together and check for any missed areas.
 
"You got time for a beer or something before you go? There are a few 
things I want to discuss and ask your advice about." Charlie waited for 
Jeremy to finish the splash down so he could stand under the 
showerhead. 
 
"Maybe a Coke. I gotta be up early tomorrow. Plus, this is my big first 
weekend doing the whole show," Jeremy replied. He playfully swatted 
Charlie's butt cheek and got out of the tub to dry himself.
 
"Cool. Go ahead, get dressed and grab a can from the fridge. Crack me 
a beer and I'll meet ya in just a few minutes."
 
Jeremy hung the damp towel on a hook behind the door and went into 
the bedroom to put on his street clothes. He wondered what Charlie 
wanted to talk about as he tied his shoestrings. His buddy had finished 
the shower and was humming some unidentifiable, upbeat song when 
Jeremy passed by the bathroom on the way back to the living room. 
'That's a good sign,' he decided. 'Charlie seems to be in a good mood...a 
little nervous, though.'
 
The big question on Jeremy's mind was how to broach the subject of 
their relationship and where he saw it going. He placed the opened bottle 
of Heineken on the coffee table and decided that he would try to open 
some discussion after Charlie was finished with whatever was on his 
mind. He sat down and popped open the Coke can's tab.
 
"Hey, bud. I feel great - as usual, you came through," Charlie said as he 
walked into the living room, redressed in his casual sweats, and sat down 
on the couch next to Jeremy. He grabbed the cold, green bottle and took 
a long swig. "Um, you want anything to eat?"
 
"The Coke's fine and I need to get home by eleven." Jeremy noticed that 
it was just before 10:00. He also felt Charlie's eyes drilling into him.
 
"Okay...here goes. I've got a few questions that have been going through 
my mind and I want to pass them by you. Well, some important things 
and you're a big part of this." 
 
"This sounds serious." Jeremy frowned and wondered where this 
conversation was going.
 
"Serious? Yeah...very. Jer, I want to talk about us: two, single, gay guys 
and all the baggage that goes with it - good and bad. I know we've only 
known each other a couple of months...but...I have...special feelings...for 
you." Charlie let out a big sigh and took another sip of beer.
 
"Special feelings? Like great friends?" Jeremy thought he knew where this 
was going. 'Charlie probably wants to define our friendship so that there's 
no misunderstanding that it was anything else,' he decided.
 
"Being great friends is just on the surface." Charlie moved closer to 
Jeremy and put his hand on Jeremy's thigh. "Babe, I'm going for the 
whole enchilada. I adore you, respect you and admire you. Most of 
all...I...love you. There, I said it." He looked at his young friend with an 
expression that was a combination of fear, anxiety and pleading. "Tell me 
to back off and I'll change subjects. It's just that I had to tell you how I 
feel."
 
"I...I'm speechless." Jeremy put his hand over Charlie's resting hand and 
squeezed it. He felt his eyes starting to tear as he moved closer to his 
friend. "Don't you dare stop saying those things, babe. It's exactly what I 
want to hear cuz they echo my feelings." He leaned over and gently 
kissed Charlie's cheek...a cheek that was also moist with a few tears. 
'We both called each other babe. That must count for something,' Jeremy 
thought as he moved a little more and rested his head on Charlie's 
shoulder. "I...love you, too. Very much."
 
"You're serious? If I blink, you'll still be here nuzzled up to me? Aw, this 
is fucking fantastic." Charlie moved around, put his hand around Jeremy 
and went for a serious kiss. He slipped his tongue in between Jeremy's 
parted lips and aggressively explored.
 
"Hmmm," was all Jeremy could get out as Charlie suffocated him with 
kisses and thoroughly swabbed the inside of his mouth with a very 
determined tongue. He felt hot and warm flashes pulsing through his body 
and breathed in the musky aroma of his mate...although they had just 
showered. When Charlie paused, Jeremy reversed the attack and 
reciprocated by plunging his tongue into a willing mouth. Within moments, 
he had maneuvered their bodies on the couch so Charlie was lying on his 
back and Jeremy was on top. He pulled back and said, "Is this serious 
enough for you?"
 
"Jer, I'd love to fuck our brains out...right now. But I think we've got 
more important things to talk about. This isn't something that's a one-time 
deal."
 
"When we do that first part, it's got to be done in the spirit of love - not 
just getting off. I can wait. Well, not too long," Jeremy replied with a low 
chuckle. He could feel Charlie's hard cock pressing against his erection. 
Only the barrier of cloth and a disciplined will separated them from a very 
hot, messy experience. He shifted around and resumed a sitting position. 
"Babe...I love that expression...let's talk about this. I really didn't realize 
that you were thinking the same way. Until a few minutes ago, it was 
wishful thinking on my part."
 
"And wishful thinking with me. I couldn't imagine that you'd feel the same 
way. We're two young guys that have a long life ahead of us. And while I 
have a little more life experience then you...it's not that much more. I just 
know that when I'm with you...I'm floating. And when we're apart, I can't 
wait to see you. This is just so cool..."
 
"I feel the same way, too. But I'm still in high school - don't you kinda feel 
like you're robbing the cradle?" Jeremy raised his eyebrows and shrugged 
for emphasis.
 
"We're two years apart. That's hardly robbing the cradle. Plus, I've never 
seen anything like you romping in a cradle. Especially with that weapon." 
Charlie brought his hand over to Jeremy's formidable erection and patted 
it. "Seriously, we've got some adjustments to make in our lives. First, I 
don't consider you some kind of kid. You're mature beyond your years 
and - if no one has mentioned it recently - very smart. But you're almost 
outta high school and we're going to be working together. I also 
understand your family obligations. We can work around this. I've got 
school that'll be pretty demanding this spring and in May I also have 
signed on for several private parties during the mid-week. When you've 
got more experience, maybe we could team up on the private 
gigs...probably after you're out of school and feel more confident about 
the new job. By the time you start college this fall, all the pieces should 
fall together."
 
"And to think that I was wondering if you would accept me falling for 
you," Jeremy said. "I want to take this slow. Well, maybe not everything." 
Jeremy grinned and rolled his eyes. "I want to know more about your 
family...and you about mine. Um, you already know Naomi...but that's 
another story. I want to learn your likes and dislikes, your dreams and 
goals, your moods and emotions."
 
"You're a friggin' mind reader. I want to know everything about you, too. 
It'll just take time to sort things out. I can't believe this whole thing has 
happened and really wasn't absolutely sure about my feelings for you until 
earlier tonight. I knew that something had been happening for a while but 
couldn't figure it out."
 
"This is unreal. I came to the same conclusions only this afternoon." 
Jeremy decided that actions spoke many words so he grabbed Charlie's 
hand and held on tightly. "So, does this make us...lovers?"
 
"At the very least." Charlie leaned over and kissed Jeremy lightly before 
adding, "I figure we've got the rest of the winter and spring to figure things 
out."
 
"Let's make a pact, then. By the time that I'm out of school, let's decide 
where we're going with this. My uncle - well, my two uncles - had an 
amazing partnership. That's what I want: someone with whom I can 
comfortably be a life partner...warts and all...for a long time. By the way, 
if we're lovers and boyfriends, I don't believe in sharing." Jeremy decided 
to put this out on the table as an irrevocable condition about which he felt 
very strong.
 
"I agree. No sharing...with anyone. We'll always have some separate 
friends but no sex stuff. I concur about monogamy and certainly learned 
my lesson with the Gio incident." Charlie shrugged and nodded his head.
 
"So I don't have to go shopping with you at Treasure Island?" Jeremy 
replied with a laugh.
 
"Treasure Island is for groceries and supplies, only. Plus, it just makes 
sense. Why would I want to mess around with anyone else when I've got 
one of the hottest guys in town as my boyfriend?"
 
"And vice versa." Jeremy scooted around so that he was sitting cross-
legged to face Charlie.
 
"Mom and Dad will meet you, of course. Well, at least my mother. I'm 
sure she'll want to have us out to their condo in Barrington for dinner. My 
brother is ten years older and lives in New York. We'll cross that bridge 
when he and his wife visit this summer. The grandparents can come into 
the picture later."
 
"I really haven't come out to my mom or sister. I think my game plan will 
be a private meeting with Naomi and figure things out. She'll be very 
supportive and can give me advice about how to tell Ma. My sister, by 
the way, knows about the new job and you...as a co-worker," Jeremy 
said with a smirk. "In fact, she'll be at the club soon with a bachelorette 
party."
 
"Ha. She'll see more of me in the show then she ever did when we dated. 
God, four years ago seems like a lifetime."
 
"Wait until I tell her about us. I think she'll be quite pleased."
 
"And I got a Sloan in my life again. And no disrespect to Naomi, but the 
one I want and need." Charlie pulled back his arms and yawned. "Babe, 
between the excitement of this evening and a long day...I'm beat. Since I 
can't seduce you tonight, let me drive you home."
 
"Um, how about us taking care of that seduction thing after the Sunday 
show? I'd like the first time to be slow and memorable." Jeremy stood up 
and offered his hands to help Charlie. "Making love is going to be 
different from what I've usually done and I want to get it right. Not to say 
I'm a slut, mind you," Jeremy added with a laugh. 
 
"Jer, I don't sleep around that much, either. But we will use condoms 
while we both are tested. Better safe than...well, you know the drill. Is 
that okay with you?"
 
"After what my uncles experienced, it's more than okay. And I have 
found out that I like it both ways. I guess this is one of those learning 
curve things. What about you?"
 
"I've usually been the top. But, I think that we're both going to add a little 
variety to our lives." Charlie pulled Jeremy close and wrapped his arms 
around his new lover. "Hon, you've made me a very happy man. And I 
guess that you feel the same way. Promise me that we'll never keep things 
from each other. If I bug you, or the other way around, let's talk about it." 
He tenderly kissed Jeremy and looked into his eyes.
 
"Agree, completely. Man, Sunday can't come fast enough for a couple of 
reasons...but you're number one." Jeremy was almost delirious with 
excitement and satisfaction. He was also nervous - not about their 
lovemaking, but that weekend's first full performance schedule.
 
*****
 
It was the second time in a little more than a month that Jeremy had 
asked Naomi to meet in the coffee shop near the hospital after her 
evening shift, Monday, at 11:00 p.m. He had only said there were some 
important aspects of his life he wanted to share.
 
'This past weekend has been, all things considered, perfect,' he thought 
as he sipped a cup of chamomile tea and waited for her arrival. It had 
been only 24 hours since the two lovers had consummated their feelings 
for each other. They had arrived at the apartment a little exhausted after 
performing to a sold out house. Jeremy was touched when Charlie 
presented him with a single rose before a bottle of French Champagne 
was opened. It was the first time he had sampled sparkling wine and his 
nose tickled after the initial sip. Charlie had pre-selected the music that 
started with John Mayer singing, "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving 
You)", and concluded with James Blunt's song, "High." It was playing as 
they adjourned to the bedroom.
 
Will you be my shoulder when I'm gray and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.
 
On the nightstand were a stash of Lifestyles XL and a bottle of 
Astroglide. They deliberately undressed each other, one piece of clothing 
at a time, until each lover was standing in front of each other in their 
naked, aroused glory. First Jeremy, then Charlie: they shared the most 
intimate parts of their bodies...twice. He smiled when he remembered the 
blaze of candles in the bedroom and was concerned that the smoke 
detector would be set off - from the candles and the physical activity. 
They both had tenderly approached the lovemaking without rushing. 
However, Jeremy felt himself walking a little carefully this morning and 
wondered if Charlie was having the same problem. He could hardly wait 
until their next shaving session.
 
Except for not properly pacing himself to get through the first show on 
Saturday to reserve energy for the second show, Jeremy's four 
performances were executed without any problems. Garin and the entire 
cast were very pleased at the audience's reception of the new Joe 
College. And he was very pleased at the tips - almost $800 - that he had 
received...on top of the salary. 'At this rate,' he decided, 'I can contribute 
a little more to the house expenses than I originally planned.'
 
"Hey, Bro. Sorry I'm running a little late. My relief arrived just before 
eleven." Naomi leaned over and kissed Jeremy on the forehead before 
sitting down. "And I am really tired so please dispense with the formalities 
and let me know what's on your mind. Sorry if I sound so gruff...it's just 
been one of those days."
 
"Okay, here goes. I...I'm wired like Uncle Win and wanted to tell you 
that...I'm gay...without any doubt," Jeremy replied in a low tone. "I just
 hope that you support me in this and realize I fully understand all the
 ramifications of accepting my sexual orientation."
 
Just then the waitress appeared and Naomi also ordered tea. When they 
were alone, she said, "Ah, I guess that this does take me aback, 
somewhat. Not shocked...just a little surprised."
 
"You're not pissed?" Jeremy looked into his sister's eyes and didn't feel 
any anger.
 
"No...absolutely not. It's just something like this, coming from left field, 
wasn't what I suspected. First, I must apologize for being so abrupt when
 I arrived. Here is a very big deal in your life and I kind of jumped all
 over you. Second, I will always support you. And, third...even though
 you are a complete stud and I've heard about your successes with the
 girls at school...I'm not really in the dark about this. With Uncle Win's
 homosexuality, heredity opens a lot of doors in this area. My classes in
 nursing confirmed what I already knew. "
 
"Whew, I'm relieved...although I thought you'd accept this situation. And 
I hope you know that I gave this much thought. Big question: how will 
Mom take this? I really need to be up front, unless you think that her 
health might be a factor."
 
"Actually, I don't think Mom would be all that surprised. I remember 
overhearing a conversation between Uncle Win and her shortly before he 
died. She was curious about the odds of your being gay."
 
"Wow - I didn't know that. What did Uncle Win say?" 
 
"Just that he didn't think so but he didn't come out until he was in his late 
teens. As I recall, they just moved on to other subjects and the matter 
was dropped. But, Jeremy, don't be concerned about her health. She has 
a respiratory problem but she'll be very supportive."
 
"Maybe we could all have a quiet dinner sometime in the next week? I'm 
not working on Wednesday or Thursday nights anymore."
 
"Let me check my schedule at the hospital and do it on one of the two 
nights."
 
"Great. Um, I should tell you that I have a boyfriend... who you know." 
Jeremy poured a little more tea into his cup and took a sip.
 
"Don't tell me that you and Bobby Stein are an item. My goodness, that's 
really carrying the torch a long time," Naomi said with a chuckle.
 
"No...Bobby and I are just best friends. It's..."
 
"You said I know...Wait...you're dating Chuck, aren't you? Ah, Charlie 
Barnett. Oh, my God, that's it." Naomi just smiled and shook her head as
 the waitress brought her tea. She took the pot and filled the cup in front
 of her. "Jeremy, you amaze me...but we've had that conversation
 recently. Talk about keeping it in the family. I will say that you have
 excellent taste in men."
 
"Yeah, I do, don't I." Jeremy turned on a grin that would light the entire 
North Side. "This has just happened and we're taking this new 
relationship very slowly. I think, however, there's no doubt in either of 
our minds that this is really it. I love him very much." Like he had done for
 most of his life, he reached across the table and took his sister's hand to
 ratify their mutual support.
 
"Then let's get Mom on board and have Chu...Charlie over for a family 
dinner real soon."
 
"I'd like that, Sis. And so would Charlie."
 
______________________
  
TO BE CONTINUED

ジャック・スクライブ

 

いつもと同じ。18歳以下の人は読んじゃ駄目。

 

 

コメントは大歓迎だよ。　jack.scribe@gmail.com

 

 

―――――――――――――――

 

 

第十二章、固い絆

 

 

ショーの前半の自分のソロだけを、その週末に試しに演じた後、ジェレミーはそれまで感じていた気後れや緊張が、だんだん自信に変わるのを感じていた。チップのためのダンスでは93ドル稼いで、沢山の女性にウィンクされたり、お尻をポンって叩かれたりした−ついでにお尻以外の場所も。興奮した女性客の前で初めて踊ったにしては悪くなかったって思う。チャーリーはジェレミーが新人にしては凄く良くやったって言ってくれたし、お客さんに気に入って貰えれば、ショーの後半のパフォーマンスの方がチップは沢山稼げるはずだって教えてくれた。

 

 

 

ギャリンはジェレミーが最初のステージで見せたエネルギーとプロ根性を喜んでいた。ちょっとした躓きや、キューをミスったことなんかを除けば、ジェレミーのパフォーマンスは成功で、ギャリンによれば観客は「大興奮」で、拍手したり歓声を上げたりしていた。計画の最終段階は次の週末で、ジェレミーはショーの後半のソロも踊って、オープニングとフィナーレのコーラスにも参加することになっていた。

 

 

 

ジョー･カレッジとして初めて全てのショーをこなす予定になっていた、その直前の木曜日の午後、ジェレミーは学校の図書館で一人、先月以来頭を占めている色んな物思いにふけっていた。ジェレミーの人生に最近起こった一番の変化は、デ･ポール大に合格したことだった。18歳のジェレミーの人生は今のところ比較的順調に進んでいるっていえる。もっとも先週末に、チップに貰った20ドル紙幣のお陰でそうとも言えなくなる所だった。その20ドルをくれた女性が、突然ジェレミーのモノに執着し始めたからだ。ジェレミーはとっさに身を引くと、ナーバスに笑いながら、そのいやらしい中年女性に軽く指を振って駄目だよっていう仕草をしてみせると、次のファンの所まで踊って行った。内股にまだ残る爪の後はこの時の名残だ。

 

 

 

それとは別に、このところ名状しがたい虚しさがジェレミーを捕らえていた。愛情深い母親、協力的な姉、お兄さんって呼べる人の存在、大切な親友に、仲のいいクラスメート、仕事仲間、それ以上は望めないはずなのに…何かが欠けていた。大学の奨学金を貰って、新しい仕事がこのまま順調ならお金の心配をする必要もない。でも何かが違うって思えた。自分の人生の大事なパズルの一つが欠けている。それは今までに感じたことの無い不安な気持ちだった。ジェレミーはこれまでに自分に起きた変化をじっくり、前後しながら考え、その気持ちはスタッズ･ベアキャッツに参加した時から始まったんだって気が付いた。

 

 

 

“そうだ、それだ。”急に全てがはっきりした。“チャーリーは僕のバディだけど、僕はそれだけじゃ嫌なんだ。彼にそれ以上のことを求めているんだ。”ジェレミーはチャーリーと初めて会った時のことを思い出した。その時から、二人は直ぐに仲良くなったし、二人の間の信頼と親しみは、年上の先輩が年下の友達を助けてくれるっていうだけじゃなくなっていた。でもそれはザックとジェレミーとの関係とも違っていた。ジェレミーとチャーリーの関係は、ジェレミーが新しい仕事について色々教えてもらいながらも、どっちかって言えば対等な立場でのものだった。剃毛のことはともかく、ジェレミーはチャーリーといるのをいつも心地よく感じていたし、自分が経験したことの無いことに挑戦する時には、チャーリーのアドバイスを信用することが出来た。彼と仲間であるってことも、チャーリーが自分を気に掛けてくれことも嬉しかった。そしてチャーリーと離れている間、チャーリーに会いたくてたまらないと思っている自分に気が付いていた。それは単にいい男に熱を上げてるっていうだけじゃない。彼との特別な関係を望む、自分の気持ちを言い表す言葉は一つ。だけどジェレミーは、その“L”で始まる言葉を口にするのが怖かった。

 

 

 

“ああ、きっとチャーリーは僕のことをまだ子供だって思ってる…ティーンエージャー…まだ保護者が必要な子供。チャーリーはすごくイケてて、もう大学の2年生で頭も良くて、誰とでも付き合えるんだから。僕のことなんて特別に想ってくれるはずないよね？”ジェレミーはぼんやりしながら、今夜のチャーリーとの約束と剃毛のことを考えつつ、目の前のノートに丸や四角、CBっていうチャーリーのイニシャルを書きなぐった。“それにチャーリーは昔僕の姉さんと付き合ってたんだ。ああっ、もう。”そう思いながら、ジェレミーは無意識に図書館の机の下に手を伸ばして、勃起してきたソレが太腿の方に長く伸びてきたのを摩った。

 

 

*****

 

 

そのクラスは人間関係におけるサイコロジーについての、凄く難しいクラスだった。授業の最後に、教授はそれぞれの生徒にケーススタディを渡すと、来週までに1000語程度のペーパーを書いて分析結果を提出するように言った。チャーリーも含めてクラスの殆どの生徒はビジネスを専攻していたから、BAそれからMBAの学位に必要なこのクラスに関してはかなり苦労していた。（作者：BAは4年生の学位、MBAはご存知、経営修士）

 

 

 

チャーリーはその日の夕方、フラタニティの寮に行くと、アパートに戻る前に、寮の友達と夕飯を一緒に食べた。いつもの時間にジェレミーが来る前に、2時間程しっかり勉強しようって決めていた。セーターに着替えると、チャーリーはお気に入りの椅子に座って、ノートを手にすると、教科書のケーススタディに関する章を読もうとした。与えられた研究対象によって、思うままに描かれた図形を分析して解釈するのが課題だった。その落書きや夢の解析、その対象の大まかなサイコロジーに基づくプロファイルによって、その人の精神状態を見抜き、明らかにすることが出来る。

 

 

 

チャーリーはヘレン･スミスによって書かれたテキストに集中しようと、ちょっと身体を動かした。

 

 

 

円：　円は永遠の全の原型的な形態の代表としてあらゆる文化で現われる。 起点も終点も無く、それは永遠の周期で回転し、日輪、年次周期、月および車輪につながる。 あるシンボルでは、それはまた宇宙を表す。

 

 

 

正方形: 正方形は宇宙の形式的な、数式の、科学的な順序を表す。 正方形は地球上の問題を、相応じて、二つの面が二次元の表面と交わるその形が、東洋の絵文字では特に、地球または地面を象徴するかもしれない。 仏教の象徴性では、円内の正方形は人間と神の関係を表す。

 

（作者：この教科書の訳が今までで一番いい加減だってことを明記しておきます＞＜；）

 

 

チャーリーの心はテキストに集中出来ずに、最初の二つの段落を何度も読み返した。集中しようとするたびに、ジェレミーの姿がチラついて邪魔をする。プロのダンサーとしてのジェレミーはジェアってことになっていた。先月一杯、チャーリーはジェレミーのことを考えてばかりいたし、ここ数回の剃毛はやり終えるのが困難なくらいだった。ジェレミーはチャーリーの様子がおかしいのに気づいたようだったけど、勉強が大変なせいだって説明すると納得してくれたように見えた。チャーリーは教科書を閉じるとノートを見下ろした。丸や四角が白いページの縁に幾つも書かれていた。それとJSのイニシャルも。そのイニシャルはあんまり強く書いたせいで、ノートの下の紙何枚かに押し付けられていた。

 

 

 

 

どうしてジェレミーといると落ち着かないのか理由を考えてみた。別に恥ずかしいからっていうわけじゃない。最初の時にチャーリーがジェレミーを助けてあげてからは、二人とも裸でいるからって特にきまりが悪いなんてことはなくなっていた。それにジェレミーの大きな武器を撫で摩るのは、まるで自分のにそうするみたいにごく自然なことに感じられた。あの後一週間ほどして、チャーリーはジェレミーの勃起したソレを手にした夢を見た…そしてそれ以上のことも。それから1ヶ月、その夢は色んな形で何度も繰り返し現れた。ほんの3日前には、この夢がもうちょっと先のレベルに進んでいた。チャーリーは夜中に突然目が覚めて、シーツや毛布を床に落っことし、そのまま何度も絶頂を迎えた。熱い、ネバネバしたザーメンをアソコから顔や、胸、お腹にぶちまける。

 

 

 

そういう夢を、若くていい男にただ欲情してるだけだって片付けてしまうことは出来そうになかった。チャーリーはそういう男なら幾らでも選ぶことが出来た。週末にはいつも、シカゴで一番ホットで、セクシーで考え方も進んでる男達と一緒に仕事をしていたし、フラタニティの仲間にだって、時々色んなことを試してみるのは構わないと思ってる連中がいた。それに誰かにモノを慰めてもらいたければ、いつもエクササイズに行ってるレイクショア・アスレチック･クラブで、待ってましたとばかりにそうしてくれる連中が何人もいた。“違う。これはただ身体や見た目がいい男に、単に興味があるだけっていうのとは全然違う。”そう思った。“ジェアは全てにおいて素晴らしい人間だし…それに頭もいい。”

 

 

 

 

勉強する時みたいにその問題についてじっくり考えると、チャーリーは自分がジェレミーに惹かれているのにはもっと深い意味があるって結論を出した。2ヶ月前にジェレミーに会ってから経験したことを分析してみる。それから頭の中でジェレミーの良い所を挙げてみた。“ルックスが良いのは当然として、ジェレミーが本当に素晴らしのは、知的でちょっとひねったユーモアのセンスがあって、信頼できるっていうところだよな。ああもう、ボーイスカウトの10の掟だって守れてるって言ってもいいくらいだよ。”そう思って笑った。

 

 

 

2つくらいの年の差は特に問題じゃない。“ジェアが18歳になってて良かったよ。”そう思った。色々経験してる20歳の大学生が、まだ17歳の男の子のことを夢想するなんていやらしいんじゃないかって思ってもみた。“でも、そうは言っても僕だって、ほんの数ヶ月前に20歳になったばっかりだし、ジェアはフラタニティの仲間に比べてもずっと大人びてるしね。”チャーリーは椅子に深く腰掛けると、天井を見詰めて、そのことについてもう少し考えてみた。しばらくすると、彼の顔に笑みが広がった。“よし、こういうことだよ、バーネット君。君は、君のバディに完全に恋しちゃってる。それで決まり。ただの欲情じゃない。好奇心でもない。ちょっとした初恋の真似事でもない。それでどうする？それより、ジェアは僕の気持ちを伝えたらどう思うだろう？もう他に好きな人がいるのかもしれないし。ああ、そんなの落ち込んじゃうよ。”そう思った。

 

 

 

 

これからどうするのがいいかってことや、どういう風に気持ちを伝えようかって考えながら、チャーリーはスェットのウェストのゴムの下に手を滑らせて、いつもそこにいる友達が元気なのを確かめた。こういう時に、反応のいい、硬いソレを手で包み込むと気持ちが休まった。“今夜は頭をすっきりさせて、いやらしい考えに取り付かれないようにしとかないと。”良く練習済みの手の動きを始めながら決めた。しばらくそうやってポンプを大きくした後、ちょっとお尻を椅子から上げるとスウェットを下ろして、脈打ってるソレを解放してやった。それから手を口に近づけると、出来るだけ沢山唾を吐く。その間ぼんやりとドーパミンやオキシトシ、素敵なジェアといる時に自然に溢れ出す愛のホルモンについて考えた。でも、ジェアも同じ様に感じてくれているんだろうか？

 

*****

 

ジェレミーは剃刀を片付けて、シャワーを浴びながら、チャーリーがきちんと綺麗になったことを確認してそれに満足した。毎週のこの儀式の後に、二人は一緒にシャワーを浴びて、見逃した所が無いかどうか、お互いの身体をチェックすることにしていた。

 

 

「帰る前にビールか何か飲んでいく時間ある？ちょっと君に相談してアドバイスして貰いたいことがあるんだけど。」チャーリーはジェレミーがシャワーを浴びてしまって、自分がシャワーで身体を洗い流す順番を待っていた。

 

 

「じゃあコーラ。明日の朝は早起きしないといけないから。それに、今週末は僕が初めて最初から最後までショーに参加することになるし。」ジェレミーが答え、チャーリーのお尻をふざけて叩くと、身体を乾かすためにバスタブから出た。

 

「いいよ。じゃあ服を着たら、冷蔵庫からコーラの缶を出して。僕にはビールを頼むよ。直ぐに出るから。」

 

ジェレミーは濡れたタオルをドアの後ろのフックに掛けると、ベッドルームに行って服を着た。靴紐を結びながらチャーリーの話って何だろうって考える。リビングに戻ろうとバスルームを通り過ぎた時、シャワーを終えたチャーリーが、何の曲か分からないけどアップテンポの曲を口ずさんでいるのが聞こえた。“これっていいサインかな。”そう思う。“チャーリーは機嫌が良いみたいだ…でも、ちょっとナーバスになってるみたいだけど。”

 

 

ジェレミーは二人の関係や、これからどうしたいのかってことについて、チャーリーにどう話そうか悩んでいた。コーヒーテーブルに栓を開けたハイネケンのボトルを置くと、チャーリーの話が終わったらその話題を持ちかけてみようって決めた。座るとコークの缶をパシっと音をさせて開ける。

 

 

「やあ、ジェア。いつもながら君に頼めば間違いないね。」チャーリーがカジュアルなスェットを着てリビングに入ってくると、ジェレミーの横のカウチに座って言った。冷たい緑の壜を掴むと、グビグビ飲む。「えーっと、何か食べる？」

 

 

「コーラでいいよ。11時には家に戻らないと。」ジェレミーはちょうどその時10時前なのに気が付いた。それにチャーリーが食い入るようにジェレミーを見てる。

 

「わかった…じゃあ言うよ。ずっと気に掛かってた質問が幾つかあるんだけど、それを君に聞きたいんだ。その、すごく大事なことで、君がそれに関わってるんだ。」

 

「なんだかすごく大切なことみたいだね。」ジェレミーは眉を顰めると、会話がどういう方向に進んでいるのか考えた。

 

 

「大切？うん…とってもね。ジェア、僕、僕ら二人のことについて話したいんだ。二人とも、独り身で、ゲイで、今まで色んなことがあったよね。いいことも悪いことも。まだ知り合って2ヶ月にしかならないのは分かってるけど…でも僕はその…君に特別な気持ちを抱いてる。」チャーリーはそう言うと大きな溜息を吐いてまたビールを飲んだ。

 

 

「特別な気持ち？親友みたいにってこと？」ジェレミーはチャーリーが何を言いたいのか分かったって思った。“チャーリーは多分これが友情に過ぎないってこと、それ以上のことみたいに勘違いして欲しくないってことを言いたいんだ。”そう決め込んだ。

 

 

「凄くいい友達だっていうのは分かってるけど。」チャーリーはジェレミーに近づくとジェレミーの太腿に手を置いた。「ベイビー、僕、本当のことを全部告白するよ。君に憧れてるし、尊敬して素晴らしいと思ってる。何よりも…僕は…君を愛してる。そう、愛してるんだ。」チャーリーはジェレミーを怯えたような、心配したような、訴えかけるような複雑な表情で見詰めた。「黙れって言ってくれたら、この話は止めるよ。ただどうしても自分の気持ちを伝えておきたかったんだ。」

 

「僕…僕何て言ったらいいか。」ジェレミーは太腿に置かれたチャーリーの手に自分の手を重ねるとギュッと握り締めた。チャーリーに寄り添いながら涙が溢れ出すのを感じる。「ベイビー、お願いだからこの話を止めるなんて言わないで。僕も同じ気持ちで、その言葉を聞きたくてたまらなかったんだ。」ジェレミーは身体を傾けるとチャーリーの頬に優しくキスした。そのチャーリーの頬も少し涙に濡れている。“僕らお互いにベイビーって呼び合ったよね。これって意味があるんじゃないかな。”もっとチャーリーに近づくと、彼の肩に頭を凭れ掛けさせながらそう思った。「僕も…愛してる。とっても。」

 

 

「本当に？僕が瞬きしても、君は消えたりしない？ちゃんとまだ僕にくっついていてくれるの？ああ、なんて素晴らしいんだろう。」チャーリーは身体を動かすと、ジェレミーの身体に手を回してキスを始めた。ジェレミーの開いた唇の間に下を滑り込ませると、大胆に探り始める。

 

「んんっ。」チャーリーのキスで窒息しそうになったジェレミーにはそれしか言えなかった。チャーリーの舌がジェレミーの口腔を全部撫でて回る。身体が熱くて、全身が脈打ってるのを感じた。チャーリーの匂いがする…二人ともシャワーを浴びたばかりなのに。チャーリーがキスを止めると、今度はジェレミーがチャーリーの口内を舌で攻め始めた。次の数秒間で、ジェレミーはカウチの上でチャーリーが下に、自分がその上になるように体勢を変えた。ちょっと身体を引くと言う。「これで僕の大切な気持ちも証明出来た？」