Life's A Grind 6

LIFE'S A GRIND-6

LIFE'S A GRIND-6話

Jack Scribe

The usual disclaimers apply.  If for some legal reason you shouldn't read

this...don't.

A special acknowledgement to Drew for encouraging me to tell a better

story through his edits and suggestions. And a big thanks to Brad for his

patient proofreading and editing. Finally, a shout-out to Trab for the final

tweaks to get the story 'just right.'

Comments are appreciated at jack.scribe@gmail.com.

__________________________

Chapter 6, MORE THAN A TOE

"Hey, Ma, I'm home." Jeremy closed the front door, engaged the two

locks and turned to his mother. Mary Sloan was in the final stretch of her

weeknight viewing schedule: Channel 5 news, followed by The Tonight

Show.

"Hello, dear. Did you have a good time with your friend?" Mary always

watched her evening television shows in pajamas and a robe in her

favorite blue chair. A walker and oxygen tank were parked within her

reach.

"Yeah, super. We went to that place on Armitage called Geja's." Jeremy

had told his mother that he was meeting a friend from the gym for a late

dinner after work...nothing more. He hung up his coat and stowed the

backpack in the hall closet.

"Goodness, is that place still open? It's probably been there for over 30

years. How was the food?" Mary had a practice of carrying on a

conversation while her eyes maintained contact with the TV screen.

"Terrific and very different. They serve fondue. I'm going to do a little

research on that type of cooking. Maybe I'll go on-line at the school

computer lab and find out more about it. How are you doing?" Jeremy

walked closer to his mother and stood next to her.

"Your sister did the cooking tonight but she had to run so the kitchen is

still a mess."

"No problem. I'll take care of it before I go to my room for the night.

Anything else you need?"

"Just a goodnight kiss." Mary sat up and leaned her head over in Jeremy's

direction. She finally broke contact with the program and looked at her

son. "Is everything alright? You appear a little distant...like your mind is

somewhere else."

"Thinking about things. College, money, job; stuff like that. Don't worry,

though. My scholarship is on track and I was offered another part-time

job that might be good for some extra cash. I also was remembering the

good times we used to have with Uncle Win and Uncle Karl. Guess I still

miss them...probably always will. That's all." Jeremy was always honest

with his mother. However, he usually edited the details to avoid maternal

probing.

"Win and Karl were good men for your growing up years. They were

always around to offer advice to a young boy. And now look at you...a

handsome young man about ready for a new adventure."

"DePaul will be an adventure for sure. Night, Ma." Jeremy gave her a

tender kiss on the cheek and went to the kitchen. 'If she only knew about

my other new adventures,' he thought as he got the dish soap and ran the

tap water until it was hot. He was thankful that his sister always did a

great job of scraping and rinsing the dishes if she left early.

Naomi sometimes cooked dinner for his mother if she didn't have to

work at the hospital. His sister worked at Children's Memorial Hospital

three or four nights a week as a nurse's aide to bring in money for the

household expenses and help pay for her nursing school education.

Brother and sister played tag-team to handle the chores around the house

and their mother's needs. Jeremy thought about the pending changes in

his life while he washed and rinsed the dishes, flatware and glasses. He

surveyed the kitchen after wiping down the counter top to make sure

everything was in order...the way his mother demanded it...before turning

out the light and going to his room.

After he toed off his shoes, Jeremy took off his shirt and khakis and

neatly hung them in the closet. 'I can get one more day out of the shirt,' he

decided as he pulled off his socks and tossed them into the hamper. 'The

briefs are good, too. Just put them on clean a few hours ago.' He stood

nude in front of the full-length mirror on the closet door and surveyed

himself. Jeremy ran his hands down from his chest to his pubes and

wondered how much growth would need to be trimmed or removed if he

took the dancing job. 'I'll have to check out Garin a little closer in the

showers and see what he does.' He pulled on the sparse, long hairs

growing on his ball sac and decided that they probably should be shaved.

"What about this other stuff?' he wondered when his hand moved beyond

his balls and towards his butt hole. 'Garin did say that I'd get help around

difficult areas.'

All of a sudden it dawned on him exactly what Garin meant by the

expression 'being a buddy in grooming'. 'Yikes, that is really getting to

know someone.' But someone getting that personal with him or the other

way around didn't gross him out. The thought of someone applying

shaving cream to his balls and ass crack turned him on. And the reverse

was just as hot. 'Well, as long as we both were clean down there.'

Jeremy smiled as he considered that you really had to trust someone who

took a blade to your 'nads. He laughed when he imagined some poor guy

running around with band-aids on his balls because someone didn't know

how to wield a razor.

In the bottom drawer of his chest where he stowed gym clothes, Jeremy

found an old jock that was a little tattered but still serviceable. 'Hmmm,

also a little small after all these years,' he thought while he stepped into it

and pulled up the elastic support. 'I must have last used this in 8th grade.'

He took the back straps, tucked them into his ass crack and walked

back to the mirror. "Whoa, that looks a little more than just suggestive.'

Even in the bedroom lighting, the thin mesh of the jock pouch revealed

what he was packing. He turned on the radio that was perpetually tuned

to KISS FM and started an impromptu sway to Fall Out Boy's "This

Ain't a Scene." As the beat of the music increased, Jeremy picked up the

pace of his movements. He added a few steps and ground his hips as the

guitarist went through a riff. The drums led him to start a few thrusts of his

front and shake the tightly filled jock pouch. He playfully pinched his

nipple and turned to expose his backside to the mirror. In his mind,

Jeremy heard yells and applause of an appreciative audience as he

collapsed onto the bed when the song ended.

'Fuckin' A,' he thought, slightly nodding his head as he wiggled out of the

jock. 'I'm going to take the job and trust Garin. There's no way I can

pass up the money...as long as it's just harmless entertaining. Well, adult-

rated harmless.' However, he also resolved not to tell his mother, sister or

friends - except for Bobbie - about his decision. He got up and put the

jock back into the drawer before slipping on the over-sized tee/boxer

shorts combo that were worn for sleeping in the wintertime. Jeremy

flipped off the light, crawled under the covers and set the radio alarm.

The bedside clock registered it wasn't even 10:45 but he was too keyed

up to study or read. A reflective frown crept across his face as he

reviewed the recent events. Although he had made the decision

concerning the dancing job, another challenge lay before him: one that

was very personal and defining. A decision that would modify - for better

or worse - his planned life course.

For better, he realized, because he was being honest and had

acknowledged his emotional and sexual feelings for men. 'Well...men who

turned him on,' he thought. Jeremy almost added the old saying, 'being

able to look at yourself in the mirror,' until he considered that this now

had a new meaning. The 'worse' part of the equation was more blatant.

This ranged from the Christian fundamental whack jobs who spread hate

in the name of religion to ignorant cruelties inflicted by kids towards

others who were considered different.

If there was ever a moment when Jeremy needed his uncles' advice, this

was it. 'Maybe I'm bi-sexual?' he considered. 'I certainly don't have any

problem getting it up for a gal.' But then, it didn't take much to send the

healthy almost 18 year old into libidinal overdrive...whomever he found

sexy.  He could no longer deny the stronger, emotional stirrings he had

for other males...once he began to understand and accept it. At school,

earlier today, he put his feelings to a test in the crowded corridors

between classes when he saw male and female classmates approach him.

Without exception, he emotionally gravitated to the guy. Even with winter

clothing, the girls managed to show off their tits and legs to their best

advantage. However, his line of vision honed in on male classmates who

he considered to be sexy. 'Jeez, I'd better be careful about where I look,'

he decided. 'It wouldn't be cool to be caught checking out another guy.'

Jeremy knew he was not ready to make any sort of announcement to the

world...least of all to his fellow students...no matter how gutless that

seemed.

He closed his eyes and mentally formed the bullet-points of questions for

tomorrow's meeting with Zach. In the process, Jeremy also thought about

that coming weekend's 'discussion' with Bobby. He wondered what

Robert Stein's reaction would be to taking their physical exploration to

the next step. Who would be the aggressive one? His uncle had identified

that person as 'the top.' He knew about protection and lube. What about

limbering up the guy's butt? 'The bottom' was the other half of the

equation. Remembering Bobby's girth caused Jeremy to cringe at the

thought of being on the receiving end. On the other hand, Bobby might

really prefer to..."

The sudden blare of KISS FM's morning programming awoke Jeremy

with a jolt. He knew it was 6:00 a.m. and he needed to be in and out of

the bathroom before Naomi's 6:30 arrival. Sharing one bathroom with his

mother and sister was a nuisance that had become more grating when he

became a curious, pubescent male almost five years ago. As he

approached adulthood, Jeremy looked forward to the day when he could

live in his own place or have male roommates. He got out of bed,

grabbed his slightly worn briefs and made a fast path to the bathroom.

Along the way, he turned up the thermostat to 72 degrees. To save

money, the furnace was lowered to 65 at night by his mom.

He turned on the shower faucet and adjusted the temperature of the

water. The one benefit of living on the first floor was being nearest the

building's hot water heater. He peeled off his sleeping clothes and got into

the tub shower. A habit that he had picked up from Uncle Win - and

never shared with Mom or Sis - was the time one could save by taking

the morning pee in the shower while shampooing. It also saved a lot of

problems when Jeremy still had full-blown wood. Two things in bathroom

etiquette had been learned at a young age living with two women: always

leave the seat down and clean up any miss-aims. Trying to pee into the

toilet with a hardon usually resulted in messy conclusions.

By seven, Jeremy had finished his cereal and left enough brewed coffee

for his mother and sister. After breakfast was always prime study time.

When he left for school an hour later, he yelled his "goodbyes" and left

the apartment for the ten-minute walk to school. The weather was still

relatively mild for approaching mid-December and Jeremy wore

sunglasses to protect himself from the morning sun's glare. However, for

a Chicagoan, this was always false security. Every native knew that some

wintry deep doo-doo was just around the corner. The remainder of the

day was fairly routine...except for the anticipation of Christmas break at

week's end. Most teachers spent the day - and would the rest of the

week - trying to maintain the students' concentration. Homework

assignments primarily related to subjects to be studied after the New

Year.

He arrived at Bally's at 3:15 p.m. and realized he didn't have enough time

for a workout because of his meeting with Zach. Jeremy thought the best

solution was to change into his uniform and go down to EatZi's with a

book. He could get in some study time and take advantage of their

limitless coffee refill policy. On his way back through the gym, he caught

Zach's eye. He waved and made a 'down' pointing signal with his finger.

Zach nodded and gave a thumb up while working with his client.

Jeremy told the day receptionist that he was a little early and would be at

EatZi's for a while. Then he took the stairs down to the main floor. He

figured that a little real stair activity must count for some workout time.

After he bought a tall cup of the daily blend, Jeremy found a table away

from the traffic and opened his book.

"You're deeply into a whole other zone," Zach said as he sat down at the

table with a frothy-topped coffee cup in hand. "Pushing for an exam?

"Naw. Just getting a head start for stuff we'll be studying after the break.

Whatchu drinking?" Jeremy asked as he closed the book and looked at

his watch.  The digital face read 3:55. 'A man of his word,' he thought. 'I

like that.'

"Cappuccino. The cream on top is made with low-fat milk so it's not too

bad for ya."

"I'm learning all kinds of new things. Last night it was cheese fondue.

Looks like I'm on a roll exploring different stuff. I'm going to order one

next time I'm down here."

"Fondue? At Geja's?"

"Yeah. I met a guy last night to talk about taking another part-time job

that'll bring in some extra money. Even with a scholarship at DePaul, I'll

need more cash for odds and ends." Jeremy wanted to share the real

story about the new job with Zach but knew this was not the time.

"You're not leaving Bally's, are you? We need ya, buddy." Zach winked

and took a sip of his cappuccino.

"Just cut back a few shifts. The benefit of a free membership is too good.

Plus, I like working with guys like you, Gio and even good old Pete."

"Good old horny Pete. Has he tried to come on to you?"

"Oh, yeah. When I explained that I was jailbait but flattered he got the

picture. Since then we've just had a good time pulling each other's chain

and consider each other buddies. I'll probably see more of him on

campus in the fall."

"Pretty levelheaded way of handling an older guy hitting on you. But,

then, you mentioned your uncles and their influence. I figure this must be

one of those times when you wish they were still around?"

"Ah, yeah. And why I need some brotherly advice. From someone who

is not only an older, good friend but is...also gay." Jeremy took a deep

breath and looked into Zach's eyes. 'Here it goes,' he thought. 'Hope my

instincts about trusting this guy are correct.'

"I think that I know where this is going. Would I be pretty close on the

mark if I guessed that our meeting has to do with questions you have

about yourself and men?"

"Big questions. Some I've already answered...but others..." Jeremy

paused and took another drink of his cooling coffee. "I know I like guys

in a...personal way. You know the expression, 'been there; done that.'

That's kinda where I am. Just not sure how this plays with everything

else."

"Everything else being girls?"

"Yep. I mean I like girls, if ya know what I mean. I mean...oh, Christ, I

can't even make a sentence."

"Hey, that's fine. We've got a while and I'm a good listener. Just for the

record, I dated my share of gals when I was your age. You wanna give

me the details concerning what has brought this other thing to the surface?

And forget about shocking me, or vice versa."

"Okay, here goes." For the next few minutes, Jeremy gave Zach an

accounting of his messing around with his childhood chum after they both

discovered what curious teen boys could do with each other. Then he got

to the most recently reawakened, sexual activity and the conclusions

drawn from that encounter. He knew that Zach had probably done

everything and wouldn't be shocked or embarrassed at this summary of

events...past and current...so he was very specific about the experience.

What started in a very quiet, monotone voice ended with excited

punctuations and enthusiasm. When the story was finished he slumped

back in the chair and shrugged with a slight grin.

"I guess you would have been 14 or so the first time you touched another

guy? Ditto with me and a boy next door. When your uncles were alive,

did you discuss what you had done with this friend?"

"Never. Didn't seem like it was something I wanted to share...even with

them. Oh, we had all these talks about sex - mostly between guys and

gals. They were pretty up front about questions I had concerning gay sex.

But I never thought of exploring with Bobby what it could mean to be

gay."

"Understand completely. It was the same way with me. And face it, if a

kid getting off with another kid makes you gay, practically the whole

country would be queer," Zach said with a chuckle. "By the way, I don't

use the 'Q' word except with close friends."

"Point taken. Anyway, they always emphasized that I practice safe sex if

I ever became active with anyone, period...no exceptions. What's ironic

is that one of them...I never knew who...was HIV positive and didn't

realize it. By the time they found out, it was too late for both of them."

Jeremy still felt a small stirring in his stomach when he talked about his

uncles and their passing.

"That's the shits. You really never know everything about your partner."

Zach shook his head slightly and looked down at the table before

continuing, "So I assume that you are or have been active with women?"

"Most of the girls...um, women I've gone out with have...yeah, there's

been no problem in that category," Jeremy said with a smile.

"So, you're wondering what it's all about in the other category."

"Bull's eye."

"Let me give you a little perspective about me. It wasn't until my first year

of college when I questioned my sexuality. With me it was a few too

many beers with a guy in my dorm. We were in his room on a Friday

night and one thing led to another. His roommate was gone for the

weekend so it was just the two of us. Well, it was us, a couple of six-

packs of Bud and some video porn that he brought out. I won't bore you

with the details but one thing led to another...pretty much the same way. I

played the 'I was so drunk I don't remember' routine the next morning

until he called me on it. That was the start of a nice friendship and some

great sex. He's in a relationship with an older guy back in New York and

we email all the time. I'll probably see them next summer."

"You knew that you were gay at that point?" Jeremy's eyes were a little

wide as he asked the question.

"No. Just that the door was open and I wanted to understand more about

myself in this environment. I kept dating girls and getting together with my

fuck buddy...well, not exactly fucking at that point. Then, one night I went

over to study with one of my teammates - I was a gymnast at Penn State.

By this time I was pretty good at picking up vibes from other guys who

were gay...something that's called gaydar."

"That's what Pete calls it when someone comes up to the front desk who

he thinks plays for his team." 'Or maybe our team?' he considered.

"Oh, yeah. Pete has a good system. Anyway, we finish studying and my

teammate wants to swap massages. Kinda innocent-like, I agree and we

go to his bedroom. He was a senior and had his own apartment. Now ya

gotta understand that gymnasts will give their left nut for a good rubdown.

Our muscles were always tight. However, I figured he wanted to get it on

and I wasn't opposed to doing something...the guy was H.O.T."

"Wow, I'm getting turned on just listening to this," Jeremy replied with a

grin.

"It gets even better. By that time we're both in the buff, I'm on my

stomach and he's straddling my thighs while he works my lats and

deltoids. All the time his hard dick is rubbing against my ass. He plays it

fairly straight...well, maybe straight's not the right word...and gives me a

great massage. We change places and it's obvious that we're both turned

on. I do the same thing to him when he suddenly asks if I would mind

slicking up a finger and massaging his prostate."

"Up there?"

"Exactly. This was completely new territory for me. I mean, by that time I

had pretty well mastered oral stuff," Zach said with a wink. "But I knew

that I was about to get an advanced degree in sex. I told the guy that I

didn't mind and used the massage oil to prep him. I must have been

successful because he asked me to add fingers - twice - and then begged

me to fuck him. Well, my young soldier standing at attention had never

been to anyplace like that. But the combination of my eagerness and his

instruction paid off...by the third visit to his apartment I eagerly

reciprocated with my butt. That, buddy, is what's called being versatile –

enjoying sex either way. So, there you are."

"At what point did you know that you were gay?"

"I'm not sure there was a defining moment. It's funny. I look back at my

adolescent years and now pick out very definite things that were definitely

gay. I had a crush on my 6th grade homeroom teacher. Checking out

other guys in the swimming pool changing room at camp was pretty cool.

Circle jerks...they were all parts of the puzzle. I think when I made the

decision to let another guy do me - with a condom, of course - I had

pretty well decided that men were my primary interest."

"So you think that maybe I should try..."

"You said that you're getting together with your friend again this

weekend?" Zach raised his eyebrows with the question as if to prompt an

answer.

"His folks will be out of town all weekend."

"Then I'd make sure that you go to the store and buy some condoms –

probably magnums - and some Astroglide to bring with you." Zach took

the next few minutes to give Jeremy a primer course on the finer points of

prepping and performing.

"Well, professor. I've got ten minutes to get to work," Jeremy said as he

stood up. "Seriously, this really helps me figure things out."

"Let's do this." Zach got up and continued in a low voice, "Why don't we

meet a week from today for a progress report...if this doesn't embarrass

you."

"Embarrass me?  Telling my honorary brother certain stuff? I know I can

trust you and really hope that you don't mind me coming to you with

problems?"

"You're a cool guy, Jeremy. I hope you realize that many fellows don't

handle this shit as well as you do." They both dropped their empty cups

into the trash and walked out to the mall and the elevator. "Just promise

me that someday you'll help out someone else. What do they call it; pay it

forward?"

"Deal. And I will definitely meet you next week...say 4:30 p.m.?" Jeremy

got in the elevator and Zach followed.

"I'll block it out immediately."

"Ah, by the way, how's everything with you and Gio?" Jeremy asked with

a concerned expression.

"We had a nice dinner and I think things will get back on even keel. In a

relationship, it takes an effort on both sides every friggin' day of the year.

In our case, there are certain things that each of us are working on. If you

get to a point where you find someone special in your life...man or

woman...let's discuss it. Speaking of dinner, how about coming over

some weekend evening for some chow at our place? Gio makes some

great Italian food." The elevator landed on the top floor and the two men

walked towards Bally's.

"That would be super," Jeremy said as they walked into the foyer. "I'll see

ya later. Thanks again." He felt that the connection he had made with

Zach was amazing...really like a brother...someone you could turn to for

the unvarnished truth.

"Take care." Zach patted Jeremy on the back and walked up to the front

desk. "Hi, Pete. I'm here for the 5:30 appointment. Until then, I'll be

doing some freebie P.R. stuff on the floor." He waved and walked into

the gym.

"Okay, buddy. I'll find you." Pete turned to Jeremy and winked, "Hands

off the married men."

"Why? They're so easy and you don't have to buy them gifts," Jeremy

shot back. "Give me a few minutes to stow my book in the locker and

brush my teeth. Okay?"

"Cool. Not a problem...well, hello, Garin," Pete said when he saw the

handsome man approach the desk.

"Good evening, guys." Garin gave his membership card to Pete and

turned to Jeremy. "How ya doing?"

"Couldn't be better. Listen, I need to ask you something if ya got a

minute." Out of Pete's sightline, Jeremy indicated that he wanted to go

into the locker room.

"Sure, no problem." Garin got his card back and nodded to Pete before

walking away.

"Whoa...two hot men in a space of two minutes. Girl, this has to be a

record."

"Don't get all dramatic on me, Dorothy," Jeremy said with a laugh. "See

ya in five." He walked back to the locker room, stored the book back in

his locker and walked over to the bay in the corner that Garin favored

because of its privacy away from the mirrors and corridor. His future

boss had just hung up his jacket and was taking off his shoes.

"Hey, buddy. I decided to do a fast workout to burn off the fondue from

last night. Did you enjoy yourself?" Garin popped his knuckles after

putting the shoes in the locker.

"It was really great. I didn't want to say anything in front of Pete. He's

really a blabber mouth."

"Kind of a yenta?"

"Yenta?"

"Yeah. A Jewish word that roughly means a woman who talks too much

and never shuts up."

"Fits Pete to a tee. Gotta remember that one. I also wanted to tell you

that I'm ready to sign on with you. I did some really hard thinking last

night and felt good about our conversation."

"That's great, Jeremy...or should I say Joe. As in Joe College?" Garin

said with a snicker. "Seriously, this calls for a meeting as soon as possible

to work out a plan." He took off his sweater and started to unbuckle his

belt.

"A lot of my decision is based on trusting you...and having a buddy to

help get me squared away. You mentioned a guy you had in mind."

"Yes, his name is Charlie and I think I should ask him to join us for the

last part of our meeting some time next week. You are both out of school

for the holidays and I'm pretty flexible during the day." He stepped out of

his jeans and hung them up by a back belt loop.

"Do you mind me asking a dumb question?" Jeremy knew he was getting

a little red in the face. 'Charlie?' he thought. 'I wonder if I know him.

Garin said he had graduated from Lincoln Park a couple years ago.' He

decided to check out his sister's yearbook. 'Maybe they were in the same

class?'

"Fire away. The most I can do is tell you to fuck off." Garin turned on a

huge smile and proceeded to take off his socks.

"You mentioned some grooming that needed to happen. If this doesn't

sound too gay, would you, ah, show me what you do?"

"Wanna check me out? No, I don't mind. Turn about is fair

play...and...hell, this is business. But just casually watch the corridor. I

don't want to be busted for lewd conduct."

"Understand, boss." Jeremy watched Garin take off the rest of his clothes

and noticed what the obvious grooming was all about. He couldn't help

but admire the package that hung freely.

"No one's coming?"

"We're clear," Jeremy said with a nod.

"Okay, take note of the chest and legs. Just pay attention and we can talk

about this in detail at the meeting." Garin turned around and spread his

cheeks...only for a moment. Then he rotated back to his original position

and propped foot up on the bench.

Jeremy's eyes followed Garin's hand as he brushed his well-trimmed bush

and shaved scrotum. He could tell that the way Garin had his pubes

clipped around the base of his equipment created an illusion of more size

to an already-ample penis.

Garin casually grabbed a tank top from his bag and pulled it over his

head, showing the trimmed under-arms. "That's the show. Did you get the

picture?"

"Thanks. It answers many questions. But I think I'll wait for my buddy to

help me out. Some of these areas are really hard to reach."

"I'll let you know when we can get together. Welcome to Studz Barecats,

Joe." Garin, still nude except for the top, extended his hand and added,

"You'll have to work hard but I have confidence you can do it."

"I'm ready to learn so I can earn," Jeremy said with a quiet, determined voice.

______________________

TO BE CONTINUED

ジャック・スクライブ

いつもと同じだよ。18歳以下の人は読んじゃ駄目。

ドリューに。俺のストーリーをチェックしてくれたり、コメントくれたりしてありがとう。辛抱強く間違いをチェックしてくれたブラッドにも感謝。最後に、俺のストーリーを「これでよし。」ってなるまで弄ってくれたトラッブ（作者：多分トラビスのニックネーム）に！

（作者注：　shout-outっていうのは、TVなんかでカメラに向かって友達の名前を言って手を振ったりするあの感じ？訳しにくくてごめん。）

コメントは大歓迎だよ。　jack.scribe@gmail.com

―――――――――――――――

第六章、新しいバイト

「ただいま、母さん。」ジェレミーは玄関の戸を閉めて、鍵を二つともきちんとかけると母親の方に振り返った。メアリー･スローンはその夜も、平日の夜には必ず見ているテレビ番組、５チャンネルのニュースとその後に放映されるトゥナイト･ショーを見ていた。

「お帰り、ジェレミー。お友達とのディナーは楽しかった？」メアリーはお気に入りの青い椅子に座って、パジャマのままローブに包まってテレビを見ていた。ちゃんとウォーカーと酸素ボンベが手の届くところに置いてある。

「うん、楽しかったよ。アルミタージュにあるGeja’sに行ったんだ。」ジェレミーは母親にはジムの友達と遅いディナーに行く…それだけ伝えてあった。コートを掛けて、バックパックを廊下の脇のクローゼットに入れる。

「まあ、あのレストラン、まだあるのね。もう30年以上あそこにあるんだわ。」メアリーはテレビから目を離さずに会話を続けた。

「美味しくて、珍しい料理だったよ。フォンデュが食べられるんだ。あの料理についてちょっと調べてみるつもりだよ。学校のコンピューターで、色々分かるかも。お母さんの調子はどう？」ジェレミーは母親の傍によると、横に立った。

「今夜はナオミが料理してくれたんだけど、その後急いで出かけたからキッチンが片付いていないのよ。」

「分かった。寝る前に僕が片付けとくよ。他にして欲しいことはない？」

「お休みのキスをしてちょうだい。」メアリーは座りなおすと、ジェレミーの方に頭を傾けた。やっとテレビから目を離すと息子を見詰める。「今夜何かあったの？ちょっとぼんやりしてるみたいだけど…考え事でもあるみたいに。」

「色々考えることがあって。大学のこととか、お金のこと、仕事、色々ね。でも心配しないで。奨学金は受けられると思うし、もう少しお金になる別のバイトも見つかりそうなんだ。それにウィンおじさんやカール伯父さんのこと、二人といて楽しかったことなんかも思い出してた。二人がいなくて淋しいんだ…きっとこれからもずっとね。それだけ。」ジェレミーはいつも母親には本当のことを話してきた。でも色々と詮索されるのを避けるために細かいことは省いて。

「ウィンとカールはあなたにほんとに良くしてくれたわ。若い男の子にいつもアドバイスをくれて。そしてあたなは…新しい経験を積む準備が出来たハンサムな青年に育ってくれた。」

｢うん、デ･ポール大は新しい経験だと思うよ。お休みなさい、母さん。｣ジェレミーは母親の頬にそっとキスするとキッチンに向かった。“母さんが僕の別の「経験」のことを知っていたらどうかな？”洗剤を取って、お湯が熱くなるまで水を流しっぱなしにしながら考えた。姉のナオミが出かける前にいつも皿をザッと洗い流しておいてくれるのはありがたかった。

ナオミは病院で働かなくての良い日には、時々母親のために夕食を作った。彼女は看護助手として週に3日か4日病院で働いて、家計を助け、自分の看護学校の授業料を払う足しにしていた。弟と姉は家事や母親の介護を交代でこなしていた。ジェレミーは皿や食器、コップを洗いながら、これから自分の人生に起こる様々な変化について考え、最後にカウンターを拭くと、キッチンが綺麗になったのを確かめた。母親はそういうことには厳しかった。そして明かりを消すと自分の部屋に向かった。

つま先で靴を蹴って脱ぐと、ジェレミーはシャツとカーキを脱いで、きちんとクローゼットに掛けた。“もう一日くらいこのシャツを着ても平気だろう。”靴下を脱いで、洗濯かごに放り込みながらそう思った。“ブリーフもまだいいよね。ちょっと履いただけだし。”そして鏡張りのクローゼットのドアの前で自分の身体を眺めた。胸から陰毛に手を這わせて、もしあのダンスの仕事を引き受けるとしたら、どれくらいソコを剃らなきゃいけないのかって考えた。“シャワーでギャリンを良く見てみなくっちゃ。”陰嚢にちょこっと生えた毛を引っ張って、これは剃らなきゃならないだろうなって思う。“他のとこはどうだろう？”陰嚢からお尻の穴の方に手を動かしながら考えた。“ギャリンは難しいところを剃るのは助けが必要だって言ってたっけ。”

“手入れにはバディが必要”っていうギャリンの言葉の意味が、突然はっきりしてきた。“あーあ、それって本当に誰かのことを良く知るってことだよなー。”でも誰かがそこまで自分と近づいたり、自分が相手に同じことをするってことを考えても嫌だと思わなかった。自分の陰嚢やお尻の穴に、男がシェービング･クリームを塗るところを考えると、逆に興奮した。誰かにそうしてあげることを考えるのも同じくらい興奮する。“お互いちゃんとまずその辺を綺麗にしてからね。”誰かに自分の袋を剃刀で剃ってもらうなんて、よっぽど相手を信用してないとできない。どこかの可哀想な男が、下手な相手が失敗したおかげで、袋にバンドエイドを貼り付けて歩いてるのを想像して笑った。

ジェレミーのチェストの一番下の引き出しにはジム用の服が入っていて、ジェレミーはその引き出しの中にちょっとヨレヨレになってるけど、まだ使えるジョックを見つけた。“ははあ、しばらく前のだからちょっと小さいや。”それに足を入れて、ゴムのサポーターを引っ張り上げながら思った。“中学生の時に使ったのが最後じゃないかな。”後ろのストラップをお尻に挟むと鏡の前に歩いていった。“うわっ。これちょっと凄過ぎ。”寝室の暗い明かりでも、ジョックの薄いメッシュからジェレミーのソレがはっきり見えた。ＫＩＳＳＦＭ局に合わせっぱなしのラジオをつけると、Fall Out BoyのThis Ain’t a Sceneにあわせて適当に身体を揺らせ始めた。音楽のビートが速くなると、ジェレミーの動きも激しくなった。ステップを増やして、ギターのリフに合わせて腰を振る。ドラムに導かれるように、タイトなジョックを揺らせて、腰を突き上げた。自分で軽く乳首を掴むと、鏡に自分のお尻を映してみる。曲が終わってベットに倒れこむと、頭の中で観客の叫び声や拍手が聞こえた気がした。

“すっげえ。”ジョックを脱ぎながら、頭を微かに振って思った。“ギャリンを信用して、この仕事を引き受けてみよう。こんなお金になる仕事は断れない…別にただの害のないエンターテイメントだもん。まあ、アダルトなエンターテイメントだけど。”ジェレミーはこのことは母親にも、姉にも友達にも黙っていようって決めた。ボビーは別だけど。起き上がると、ジョックを引き出しに戻して、冬の間パジャマ代わりにしているブカブカのＴシャツとボクサーを引き出しから取り出して着た。ライトを消すと、毛布の下に潜り込んでラジオのアラームをセットする。ベットの脇の時計を見るとまだ10時45分だったけど、勉強したり本を読む気分じゃなかった。最近起こった色んなことを考えて、ちょっと顔に皺を寄せる。ダンスの仕事については心を決めたけど、まだ別のことが残っていた。すごく個人的で大切なことが。良くも悪くも、ジェレミーのこれから先の人生を変えることになる決心をしなくちゃいけない。

もちろん良い方に変わるんだって思った。だって男に対する自分の気持ちや欲望を正直に認めることになるんだから。“つまり…僕がそうしたいって思う男に関してだけど。”そう思った。もう少しで古い諺を付け加えるところだった。“目を逸らさずに本当の自分をちゃんと鏡で見ることができる。”でも今はそれに別の新しい意味があることに気が付いた。悪い方の変化はもっとはっきりしていた。宗教の名前の下に憎しみを広めて回る狂信的なクリスチャンから、自分たちと違う存在には残酷になれるどうしようもないガキ共まで。

おじ達のアドバイスが必要なことがあるとしたら、今がまさにその時だった。“僕はバイなのかな？”そう考えてみた。“女の子にもちゃんと勃つけど。”健康なもうじき18歳になる少年のリビドーは直ぐに欲望に反応した…セクシーだって思える相手なら誰にでも。だけど、自分の気持ちを理解して、それを受け入れると、男の方に強い気持ちを掻き立てられるのを否定できなかった。今日学校で、ジェレミーはクラスの合間に混みあった廊下で、男女両方の友達が近づいてくるのを見て、自分の気持ちをテストしてみた。例外なく、気持ちの上では男の方に強く傾いた。冬でも、女の子は胸や足を上手に見せるコツを知っていた。それなのに、ジェレミーの目はセクシーだって思った男の子の方に釘付けになった。“やれやれ、どこを見るか気をつけた方がいいな。”そう思った。“他の男をそんな目で見てるってバレたら絶対まずい。”ジェレミーには自分の性癖を誰にも話すつもりはなかった。少なくともクラスメートには。例えそれで自分が臆病者ってことになるとしても。

目を閉じると明日ザックに合ったら聞きたいことを頭の中で整理してみた。その間も、週末のボビーとの「話し合い」のことを考えてしまう。もし次の段階に進みたいって言ったら、ロバート･スタインはどんな反応をするんだろう？どっちが攻めるのかな？彼のおじさんは攻める方が「上」って教えてくれた。ゴムやジェルについてもちゃんと知ってる。“男のお尻に入れるのってどんな感じかな？”自分が「下」になるっていう可能性だってある。ボビーの太い幹を思い出して、ジェレミーは自分が「受け」になるって考えただけで、ゾッとして身体を縮ませた。“だけど、ボビーはひょっとしたら下が好きかも…。”

ラジオから突然流れ出したＫＩＳＳ　ＦＭの音楽が、ジェレミーを目覚めさせた。朝の6時で、姉のナオミが夜勤から6時半に帰宅する前に、バスルームですることをすませてしまう必要があった。母親と姉と3人で一つしかないバスルームを使うのは色々大変で、特にジェレミーが5年前に好奇心一杯の思春期に突入してからは、そのことで苛々することもあった。大人になるにつれて、ジェレミーはそのうち自分だけのアパートに住むか、男のルームメートを持ちたいと思うようになっていた。ベットから出ると、昨日のブリーフを掴んで、バスルームに向かった。電気代を節約するためにジェレミーの母親は夜の間の暖房はいつも18度まで下げていたから、バスルームに行く途中、暖房を22度まで上げた。

シャワーを出すと、お湯の温度を調節した。一階に住んでいていいことの一つは、アパートの建物にある湯沸かし器に近いってことだ。パジャマ代わりの服を脱ぐと、ジェレミーはタブに入ってシャワーを浴びた。ジェレミーがウィンおじさんから習ったことで、母親にも姉にも黙っていたことは、シャンプーをしながらおしっこをすれば時間の節約になるってことだった。（＞＜）そうすることで朝勃ちしていた場合に起こる問題も解決できた。バスルームを二人の女性と一緒に使う場合にジェレミーが早くから学んだエチケットは、いつもトイレのシートを下ろして、おしっこが上手く便器に命中しなかったら、ちゃんと綺麗にしておくってことだった。（＞＜）勃起したままトイレに命中させようとすると、必ず失敗する破目になった。（＞＜）

7時までに、ジェレミーはシリアルの朝ごはんを終えて、母親と姉の分もコーヒーを沸かしておいた。朝食の後は一生懸命勉強して、1時間後には、「行ってきます！」って大声で挨拶すると、学校までの10分の道のりについた。もう直ぐ12月の半ばだっていうのに、その日の天気は比較的暖かくて、朝日から目を守るためにサングラスを掛けなくちゃいけなかった。でもシカゴの人間には、こんな天気は長続きはしないって分かっている。シカゴ育ちなら、厳しい冬がそこまでやって来てるのは明白だったから。その日の残りはいつもとほぼ同じだったけど、週末が来ればクリスマス休暇だっていうことだけが違っていた。ほとんどの教師は、その日も、それからその週の残りの日々も、なんとか生徒を勉強に集中させようと努力していた。宿題は新年が明けてから勉強する課題に関するものが殆どになった。

バリーズに3時15分につくと、ジェレミーはザックとの約束までにそれ程時間がなくて、いつものワークアウトをする時間がないってことに気が付いた。一番いいのは、ユニフォームに着替えてしまってから、教科書を持ってデリでザックを待つことだろうって思った。そのデリではコーヒーのお替りはただだから、そこでしばらく勉強できる。ジムを抜けて行くと、ザックと目が合った。ジェレミーが手を振って、指で“下にいる”っていう合図をすると、ザックは頷いて、顧客とワークアウトしながら、ジェレミーに向かって「分かった。」っていう風に親指を上げてみせた。

ジェレミーはその日の昼間の受付係りに、少し早く来たからデリに居るってことを伝えると、階段を下りてモールの方に出た。階段なら少しは運動したってことになるだろうって自分に言い聞かせる。背の高いブレンド･コーヒーを買うと、ジェレミーは人混みを避けて隅の方のテーブルに座って、教科書を広げた。

「凄く集中してるね。」やがてクリームを載せたコーヒーを手にしたザックが来て、テーブルに座ると言った。「試験勉強かい？」

「ううん。休暇が明けたら勉強する所を予習してるんだ。何飲んでるの？」教科書を閉じて時計を見ると聞いた。時計は3時55分を示していた。“約束をちゃんと守ってくれた。”そう思う。“そういうのいいね。”

「カプチーノだよ。低脂肪牛乳でできたクリームだから、身体にもそう悪くないしね。」

「最近色々新しいことを経験してるんだ。夕べはチーズ･フォンデュだったよ。なんでも試してみるっていうのが続いてるみたい。次にここにきたらそれ、注文してみるよ。」